I think a lot about my life lately. I sit here and look at the letters on my keypad and think where do I begin? It makes me feel broken and hurt when I think of it. Brings back a lot of emotions like waves hitting me, I'll be happy when the waves are a little bit more calm.
My childhood was not the best growing up. Yes there was a lot of things that were great but some bad. In my childhood I grew up with a lot of fear. At a early age I was taught to fear certain people in my life. I grew up in a household where there was physical, mental, emotional abuse. Because of it I react different to certain outcomes then most people would.
That is where it has lead my life today...
do you ever remember growing up and thinking what it would be like to find your other half? Growing up the way I did I never thought I would have that. I thought about what it would be like but never thought I was good enough for that type of feeling. I know it might sound dumb to other people but children of violence can understand. The only type of love you knew was of pain and anger.
a few months back. I became so excited and thrilled in my life. For once I had a man in my life who loved me and respected me the way a woman should be. And to be honest it scared the crap out of me! I never thought I would get that feeling. You know when you wake up and that person texts you good morning beautiful woman or just texts though out the day just to say hi and ask how I am doing. Or even when you are talking to that person on the phone and they know you are upset but you just don't want to talk about it, but they still know something is wrong and they are concerned about it. Or my favorite is when things were moving to fast and I freak out a little, he texts hey lets go slow cause I don't want to disrespect you in any way. Okay holy crap. This man seriously needs to teach a class on the respect of women cause I have been in plenty of relationships where guys where not this respectful.
It started to make me weak for him. I loved being with him. I loved that my kids love him. And for those who know my little girl she doesn't like people. So I fall for him and I loved every minute of it. I would catch myself at work thinking of how happy I am with him and how lucky I am.
A little more then 2 weeks ago I made that all change. I was attacked and raped by a so called friend. Afterwards I thought to myself I was worthless. I was so ashamed and disgusted in myself. I thought that no one would ever love me. Who would? Those acts should only be done by two people who love each other. I felt like my soul was dying. I looked at myself in the mirror and just broke down crying. I hated myself. I was ugly. I tried to cover my scars and bruises over my baggy clothes. I looked down at my phone and saw that the man I loved just called me. And the only thing I could think about was him and my children. The only thing I could think of was I need to make him hate me so he would never hurt me too. So that he would never break my heart too. I just couldn't do it any more. I thought I was protecting him for all of this drama and heartache and come on why would he ever love me after this? That was my thought. I called and told him things that were not true. Told him that I slept around, which was not true. He was mad, very mad. After that happen I tried to forget I was raped and forget him. Every shot after made me hate men more. By the end of the night I was annoyed and anger.
The next morning I woke up and prayed it was all a dream. I called and called and called. The damage was already done. I knew I made a huge mistake. I lost one of the greatest experience I had because I was raped and attacked and scared. I even tried to explain that but the damage was already done.
And now I am here today. Happy but not the best as I could be. A warrant has been issued to the so called friend. I know that where it will lead to next is trail. But I know I can do this! I am worth the fight. I am worth it to say no and not let this happen to any other women again by that man.
I am slowly looking at myself in the mirror again and realizing how strong and amazing I am. I am a mother and I have taken a lot. I may not like or understand why things happen in my life. All I can do is make life as what I can make it. I know I am a beautiful woman that deserves the world. I deserve happiness and love.
For those who have been by my side these last few days, THANK YOU! Besides my babies you guys are what keeps me going. I love you all. Thank you. To my sister I could not have asked for a better one. I am so grateful that I have you in my life and that we crossed paths in math and met. I love you. To the man I fall for, you are an amazing person. I am glad you came in to my life too. You have taught me that I am worth it. I can be loved and that there are good people out there and I can learn how to trust people again by taking things slow. Thank you! No matter what you will always have a part in my life. And I am glad for that. To my mom thank you for letting me cry and being there for me and my babies. You guys have all taught me something.
I am a person who loves to learn. I know that this next chapter will not be easy and that it will be hard, very hard. But I am willing to write it and make it my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment